Survey of World’s Billionaires Finds That Billionaires Never Conspire with Each Other

by Dan Geddes

While conspiracy theorists often imagine billionaires meeting together in secrecy to plan the future of the world, billionaires themselves scoff at this idea.

Based on a recent Washington Chronicle survey of the approximately 1,000 billionaires in the world (81% of billionaires responding), most billionaires claim they have never even knowingly met another billionaire. They also deny that they personally have much influence on things, let alone conspire together regularly in order to run the world.

“The idea that billionaires have more influence on world events than the man in the street is completely ridiculous,” George Soros stated. “Every person, even people who work in Amazon warehouses, can make an enormous difference. Just because Bill Gates’ personal net worth is greater than the gross domestic products of many countries combined doesn’t mean he has any real power. I mean, it’s not like he’s the President of the United States or a rear admiral or somebody powerful like that!”

Gates himself admitted as much: “Sometimes I wish I could leave my mark on the world; that I could become somebody important. I was thinking of running for mayor of Redmond, Washington, or even for state senator so I could finally have some real power, a real influence on the world. I’m tired of being a billionaire loser who nobody will listen to, whose opinion counts for nothing in this world.”

Rupert Murdoch complained: “I’ve always been shunned by the other billionaires. I have heard rumors that they will never forgive me for the psychological damage that FOX News has inflicted on the collective psyche of the American lower and middle classes, for whom most billionaires have such love and affection. But I am the victim here! I’m a billionaire pariah. I’m still in therapy about it. My analyst is the one getting rich from all this!”

Murdoch found it ridiculous that he would plan to control the world with other billionaires. “How could we possibly conspire to control global megatrends for our own mutual enrichment? The other billionaires won’t even meet me for dinner. Or even coffee. I’m terribly lonely. I’m like Citizen Kane.”

The Koch brothers responded to the billionaires’ survey with a joint statement that: “Even with all the millions of dollars that we have donated to Republican political action committees all over the country, we simply cannot get access to the candidates. They don’t return our phone calls. Even our favorite candidates just tell us to take a number and wait while they speak with regular constituents. They say that all citizens are equal!”

“We just wish we were getting something for the truckloads of money we have spent. But most Republican law-makers are models of integrity who would never allow us to influence their legislation in any way. We’re starting to think that trying to buy political influence is a complete waste of our valuable time. The law-makers formulate legislation that represents the will of the people and there’s nothing we can do about it!”

Legendary investor Warren Buffet lamented: “Even though I’ve given billions to Bill Gates’ foundation, he won’t even play bridge with me anymore! Or even poker! I’d love to have a billionaires’ poker club. I’d even play with millionaires, if they’d have me. Instead, I’m reduced to playing online poker with some stupid teenagers from Wyoming for $1 per game. I wish I could find somebody in this world who would play with me for higher stakes.”

Buffet continued: “People don’t understand that billionaires are very competitive. We’re so busy fighting with each other to be number one that it‘s just not possible for us to work together to develop price-fixing schemes, trusts, monopolies or cartels. It has never been possible to do these things, as history has clearly shown. The newspapers of the world hire brilliant investigative reporters who hound us night and day. We only wish we could use major media to make more money. ”

“Although we have long realized that, in theory, monopolies are efficient while competition is wasteful, we just can’t come together as much as the crazy conspiracy theorists imagine we do. I only wish we could. We simply lack the imagination, resources and organizational capacity.”

Editor of The Satirist ( America’s Most Critical Journal; satirist, critic, standup in Amsterdam

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